Depending on your definition of vegetarianism, you may or may not be allowed to eat insects (whether or not you consider “animals” only those who have a nervous system and therefore can feel pain). In any event, I wouldn’t want to eat insects, unless they were really out of falafel. And I mean — really: like chickpeas have been wiped out from the face of the earth. This may or may not be connected, but I hate mosquitos too. Which is arguably deepened by the fact that they, in return, like me very much, thank you. And that we live next to a canal, which means I have this non-reciprocal dynamic confirmed every other night.
Yesterday evening, as we were getting ready for bed, I heard the characteristic buzzing sound next to my right ear: a mosquito had just landed on the wall right above the bed. I smashed it with my left hand, which is arguably the fastest, although my left shoulder currently hurts, so this was a gamble. I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty happy with myself: I usually miss those miserable creatures and end up having to suffer bites on most of my limbs by the end of the summer (even inland, far away from water, they still manage to find me, it’s like a superpower; one that I would readily dispose of if I could).
This was not the end of it, though: a second damn’ mosquito flew in 5 minutes later as my fiancée was still brushing her teeth and I was playing Words with friends… I mean, reading an article on the Fed’s interest rates. I waited patiently until it landed on the wall next to the door. I stood up as slowly as I could, walked towards it… and smashed it with my left hand. Again. Thus hurting my shoulder. Again. But I killed the f**ker, and that’s what counts.
Moments later, my fiancée walked in as if nothing had happened and I had to explain to her the extraordinary feats that I had just accomplished: killing not one, but two mosquitos. Thus ensuring that we would be able to sleep in peace. Which didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me, to be fair: they bite her less (she doesn’t have the superpower, you see). As we switched the light off, and got ready to sleep, I heard the buzzing sound again:
- Not again!
- Leave it, GH, it’s late…
- Yeah, but we’re gonna get bitten!
- Correction: you’ll get bitten…
In the end, I let it go, we fell asleep and I did get bitten (my fiancée too, by the way, proving that superpowers can be transferred). It is what it is. Later this morning (right before noon), as I got into the shower, I noticed that a mosquito was lying on the floor in one corner. I slowly placed the shower head right above it… and splashed him with everything I got.
Always satisfying to kill one of those bastards, even if it’s too late.
Ps. I should really stop playing Words with friends and do something with my life.